There’s not much I can say, other than I’m a selfish ass. But I can’t really help it. I think I’ve learned a lot about myself this last few days. It all seems to make sense now, why I live the life that I do. That’s because I just don’t know how to do anything else. I’m either all in or I get up and walk away, I can’t tread the middle ground. I’m the one piece that just can’t fit in with the rest, try try try but I just won’t go. I am going to have to come to terms with that.
It’s all me, really. Everything in my life is a product of my inability to be at a certain level. Sometimes I don’t know if I do the sports I do for the right reasons, Do I run because I enjoy it, or am I running away from something I can’t explain? The more I hurt physically, the more I forget about a different hurt. I pour myself into things to escape, I hurt till I can’t remember anymore. And it’s all I know.
I just can’t fake it. Never have. Never will. I can’t sit around and pretend, I try. But I am eaten up on the inside. I need to just cut the crap and stand here for what I am– self centered. That’s right– there is a motivation for me behind everything I do. Even why I came here this weekend. Now that I didn’t find what I am looking for, I am being an ass.
All this time is killing me, too much time to think about things is not good. Usually, I bury myself under under so much work that I don’t have time to think about what I am missing. It’s the only way people like me can coop.
It was a nice thought, but I am just not good enough for some people. And I am beginning to learn, that no matter how hard I want to be, that I can’t. I fall short everytime. I can’t fix myself, and there nothing left to do anymore. It’s almost time to go home.
I guess at least, I have something to write about.